Sometimes you have to refocus your life, and then readjust the road you're traveling and renew your desire to live life to its fullest, while contemplating the choices that lie ahead of you, as you make your way towards your new path.
Then comes the leap of faith aspect of what might or might not happen on your new journey. Sometimes you can plan all you want, but where does faith enter into the equation? I think Faith is there from the start. Along with hope, faith can move mountains out of your way and blaze a trail for you in the darkness. Prayer is like a beacon of light, guiding you in the right direction.
Clarity of purpose also comes into focus. Having lived half my life on this earth in-congruent, (perceived gender didn't match my assigned gender) the greatest gift of congruity (perceived gender matches my assigned gender) was given to me at age 51. My hope is that the second half of my life can have greater purpose and meaning than the first; however, sometimes I'm not sure what to do next.
After receiving this gift, I've asked myself, what shall I do with it? As I walk this new path, the evidence of my past incongruity shows and it hurts. I should have been given this gift earlier in my life. But people in those days didn't know or understand that having this gift meant peace, harmony, self love and acceptance for people like me. Many still don't understand and most don't give a rat’s behind.
My mother always said, "You can't cry over spilled milk." Ministers said, "Be thankful for what you got." But my heart says that's not enough. When the signs of my in-congruent past are noticed and comments are made, I'm told to get over it. That's when the frustration hits home and I regret that my gender reassignment didn't happen sooner.
Some people say it's my own fault and it was my choices that kept it (the gift) from coming sooner. I say codswallop. The choices I made early on were to stay alive. Keep a roof over my head; make my parents and society happy by not complaining or pushing the status quo. When I started to push back I was subtly warned not to step out of line by society, my family and friends. "Why can't you be gay?" Mom said to me. "I can't live my life knowing that you are this way." "I'd rather be dead."
I am convinced however, that if my mom knew then what we know now about Gender Identity Dysphoria (GID), she would have been supportive. She would have been as supportive as she was about my Dyslexia, Dysgraphia and other (learning disabilities) growing up.
My mother was into facts and data. If you could prove your case, then you had her blessing. Maybe she didn't know the gift I wanted existed nor had a name? If she didn't, then I forgive her for not knowing. If she knew, but was told that it was evil and a sin, then shame on her for being so gullible.
As I'm writing this blog I realize how resilient I am to have gone through life with so many labels and to still be standing. I won't deny that there is a force greater than myself or any human being for that matter guiding me, loving me, and leading the way. The so called experts told me that I wouldn't overcome the challenges I had nor be successful in life. I did overcome, I am successful and I will always be kind and humble to others.
So with this new life and attitude, let me introduce myself. My name is Síle Michaela Kelleher. I'm a congruent female. I lived as an in-congruent female for 51 years. I'm an actress, filmmaker, parent, mom, writer, editor, with learning disabilities who's overcome a lot of BS.
I've been knocked down beat down many times in my life, but I keep getting up. As Elton John said, "I'm still standing." I'm grateful to be alive and I don't want to spend another moment living in pity or regret. Life is too short to worry or fret about the past. I choose not to waste another moment thinking about what could have or should have been, I'm focused on what can be!