Sometimes discerning where you need to be in life is difficult. If you do A then B or C are relative or irrelevant. You either win or loose. If you take a leap of faith you may fall on your arse or end up with the golden goose. Now that I've totally confused you, (which I sometimes do) I'm at that point. I have achieved a goal or milestone in 2016. I'm so grateful for it but now what? Sometimes after we get the one thing in life we've needed, we forgot to plan for what comes after our goal is achieved. Kinda like an athlete thinking that the play was whistled dead but it wasn't. There's more life to live. Or so we may think. You gotta keep on going. I've heard it said that "life's a journey not a destination." Run with the ball until the referee blows that proverbial whistle.
Sometimes I feel like a circus animal released into the wild after being caged and doing tricks for audiences for decades. Doing what I had to do to survive kissing arse to thrive. Following the status quo so that I wouldn't be laughed at or made fun of. Imagine feeling the grass on your feet (or paws if you were a circus animal) for the first time or tasting the rain pouring down on your backside, while running with the pack. That freedom to be yourself eluded me for many decades and now that I have this freedom I don't know what to do with it.
But it seems that there's always someone who wants to put you back in that cage. Put you back in the status quo circus that we call life. But heck no I aint going back. I can't. At least physically and I won't. To me I've always been me. To others' Iv'e been who they've wanted me to be. Somehow I'm I threat to their perception of their reality.
I was labeled Dyslexic, Dysgraphic, Hyper Active ADD & having a learning disability. But with my parent's help I made it all the way to graduating from College. The experts said it couldn't be done. I proved them wrong. The kid who defied the odds.
Have you ever seen one of those movies where the main character goes to bed and their life isn't the same as it was when they wake up? And when they do wake up they have a different spouse, house and family? That's the way I feel sometime. Well when my character woke up all hell broke loose. 2 failed marriages and alcoholism to boot. People where saying we don't like this person you've become get away. Bring back the circus act we grew up watching. You're not supposed to do this to us. You're supposed to perform the tricks that come with your manual. Well our manuals aren't the same and no more performances.
No more being the Jolly weirdo cashing her customers out at the grocery store. No more being the apologist for who I am, which you've come to know. I'm tired of being the puppet of your perception because my perception is the only one that matters.
I'm not less then and I deserve to be here. I'm not an abomination or freak of nature I will rise. I will be who I've always known I am. Me.
Mom, Actress, Activist, Amateur Painter / Artist
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